There’s no feeling quite so unpleasant as the feeling that you’ve left the Christmas shopping too late. To put a smile on your loved ones faces, you’re going to have to be very creative with the options available to you at the local Tesco Express. But worry not! We’re here to help you get a start on your Christmas shopping and relieve you of the stress awaiting you in late December with our gift guide for the music fans in your life.
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THE ROCKER
More likely to be concerned with opening the next bottle than their presents this (or any) Christmas, The Rocker lives for the buzz and only believes in one holy trinity: Jack Daniels, a too loud guitar, and rock ‘n’ roll. Keith Richards on Keith Richards is guaranteed to put a smile on their face this Noel.
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THE ARTIST
Not only does the Artist think Christmas has become over commercialised, they believe that everything else has too. Keen to point out the pagan overtones of the festive period, they have taken their dietary restrictions so far that mum has served them a bowl of uncooked sprouts. Whither the joy, The Artist? Why, it’s here, wrapped in recycled paper from somewhere in Hebden Bridge, The Curious Life and Work of Scott Walker!
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THE WEIRDO
Oh, joy. Your cousin is coming over for Christmas and they’re going to be bringing the Star Wars pyjamas they change into before Christmas dinner; they don’t want to be encumbered by grown up clothes when they fall asleep over three spaces on the sofa. The Weirdo is never wrong about anything factually, and is impossible to beat at any of the board games that come out this time of year. However, they seem to have lost 80% of their social skills as a result. Hey! When the going gets weird, the weird get presents. One copy of Talent is an Asset – The story of Sparks, please!
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THE UNIMPRESSED
“Well, of course, in my day we had real music, not these glorified karaoke singers you have now. Proper bands, with proper instruments, that the bands could actually play.” It’s enough to make you want to fill your ears with Christmas Pudding and set light to your own head. But relax, why not play them at their own game? BOOM! Holy Rock ‘N’ Rollers – The Story of Kings of Leon!
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THE PHONE GAZER
Sitting their GCSE’s next year, The Phone Gazer hasn’t maintained eye contact with anyone not at the other end of a Wifi connection since their 12th birthday. Somehow, their verbal communication skills have devolved to an area below monosyllabic. Their life is dictated by people on YouTube who seem like especially dim children’s TV presenters on suspiciously strong coffee. SHA-CLACK! Sex Pistols: 90 Days at EMI. Their parents won’t thank you immediately when The Phone Gazer starts piercing things, spitting at the cat and swearing at the postman, but at least they’ll be hating actual flesh and blood people in a face to face scenario. Baby steps…
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THE PARENT
Terrified of the outside world due to the persistent propaganda fed to them by mid-market tabloids, and convinced that little Tarquin is one Grime mix-tape away from joining The Crips; The Parent sees everyone at the table as less another human being with wants and desires and more a moral equivalent of the plant people from Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, ready to dissolve their precious progeny into a puddle of nutritious goop and replace them with an actual monster. They have already reminded you that it is not a “caff”, it is a “cafeteria” and asked that you don’t show the children anything not on BBC1 without checking with them first. Your only option? GO NUCLEAR with Butterfly on A Wheel – The Great Rolling Stones Drug Bust.
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So there you have it; every “difficult” present you need to buy this year wrapped up in one place. Joyeaux Noel!
